Elevate Your Relationships: How to Be Intentional with Who Is in Your Circle

Ever wondered how social dynamics impact your well-being? Learn how to craft a life filled with meaningful connections & rise to your extraordinary self.  

Essential Oil Blend for Emotional Clarity
To set the stage for this emotional work, use this essential oil blend to ground yourself and create a sense of safety:

• 2 drops Bergamot Oil – Encourages confidence and emotional balance.
• 2 drops Coriander Oil – Supports inner knowing and trust in oneself.
• 1 drop Lemongrass Oil – Clears emotional stagnation and promotes discernment.
• 1 drop Cedarwood Oil – Strengthens a sense of connection and security.

Diffuse this blend as you work through the exercise. 

Get the oils I trust: HERE

Transcript

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Welcome to another extraordinary week. I'm going to share with you something that I'm actually doing for myself right now. I know that there are different strengths and different gifts that we bring to this world. And my strength profile does not include a lot of relater skills. So these are things that I learn, that I study, that I practice out in the world, and that I hope that If I show up with good intentions that I will pull this off. And, I have people in my life that just naturally are relators, connectors, and some of them call themselves empaths, but whatever it is that you bring to the table, I hope that I will hear from you so that maybe I can learn and what. looks like for you to default to yes or your extraordinary self in the world of relationships. So social dynamics can just be confusing sometimes when we aren't sure where we stand with people or more importantly, where they stand with us, we can start to feel a little unstable and unsafe. In life, and I would say this is the culture. Social media plays a big part of this. Now in the fabric of all of that, we have long distance relationships. We are in proximity with people and all of these categories of people. We need clarity in our relationships to really feel secure. And once we achieve that, clarity, we can start to arrange our social circles accordingly. Now there's a reason why I'm really focused in on this and it has everything to do with overall wellbeing, with health and wellness, and the things that I see even in my coaching practice and my nursing practice. Ensuring that we are surrounded by people who uplift and encourage and challenge us is really the best way to go about defaulting to extraordinary, and we know that we hear a lot about it, but how do we actually do that? because Of course, when this is all working right, this really frees us up frees up energy. It builds confidence and provides that foundation for moving forward with purpose. Now, how do we really know who belongs in our inner circle and how does this affect who we are becoming? Some of you just go on intuition and some of you just really aren't too worried about this because whoever shows up there is who you're going to relate to because you're naturally gracious and naturally trusting and naturally just good in relationships. And then there are some times when you have to work at that. But what I see a lot of times is people just shut down on their, on a relationship when it's uncomfortable. Or don't know how to really organize that or make that work and spend too much energy myself included. I probably spend too much energy on the wrong relationships. People that aren't really considering my best interest and not enough on those relationships that do. And so I want to make sure that I'm moving forward in love and grace and wisdom. And I ran across this exercise in my aromatherapy circles, we learn about emotions and how to pair essential oils with emotions. And I ran across this exercise. That, and paired with an essential oil blend that's designed to support emotional clarity. I was actually praying about this, and I think I shared a little bit about social and cultural practices, I talked a couple episodes ago about the circle of influence and the circle of interest and the circle of control. So I've been looking for ways to maximize my energy, stay in my own lane, and really show up in the world in the way that I'm created to and not be distracted by things that I don't need to be distracted by. So this exercise, again, paired with the essential oil blend was designed to support that clarity and help to evaluate your relationships in a really powerful way. Now, this process is not for the faint of heart. It requires honesty and vulnerability and. Asking some tough questions and doing a little bit of wrestling with this, but the results can be really surprising and in some cases difficult to accept, but ultimately this awareness will empower you to make the choices to serve your overall well being and really show up in the way that you were created for. Now, the essential oil blend for emotional clarity, I'm going to share that with you. Hopefully you do use essential oils and you've discovered the power of that for overall wellbeing and for health, but to set the stage for emotional work, a lot of times all the time, I will use essential oils because of the chemistry and the way they interact with our limbic system. They're really powerful tools. So this blend is one that you can use to ground yourself in that, to create that sense of safety. Thank you. The two drops of bergamot oil bergamot has been studied for a lot of different anxiety disorders, including PTSD it encourages confidence and emotional balance. Then two drops of coriander oil actually I did a scan that recommended coriander oil, and this is what tipped all of this off and led me into this, but coriander oil supports inner knowing and trusting. One self, lemongrass, one drop of lemongrass that clears emotional stagnation and promotes discernment. And then one drop of cedar wood oil that will strengthen the sense of connection and security. This is all based in the chemistry and what we know. anecdotally even about these oils. I'm going to encourage you to diffuse this blend if you have oils of your own as you work through the exercise I'm going to share with you. I'm going to develop this a little bit more for the aromacognition course and add it in there. So that is something else if you really like this framework and like these practices, something for you to check out. Okay, so when it comes to relationships, there are two key ways to evaluate trustworthiness. I'm developing a worksheet. I did one for myself and I'm working through it to see what other questions and what other things need to go in this. And so I'm going to send that out via email So if you want that, make sure you get on the email list so that I can send that to you or join the free community that I've created for this. and the links are down below. Okay. the first step on in this process will be to understand the two qualifications for trust. When it comes to relationships, there are two things that we evaluate. Regarding trustworthiness and one is goodwill. Does this person genuinely care about your wellbeing? Are they actively supportive, passively kind, or indifferent towards you? Do their desires for you align with your own or do they undermine your growth? That's one goodwill. Two is competence. Does this person have the ability to support you emotionally, mentally, or practically? Do they understand your needs? And are they strong enough to hold space for your emotions? Or do they always try to manage or dismiss them? Are they a good listener? And do they offer valuable insights? So both goodwill and competence determine how much trust someone deserves in your life. I'm a person of faith. I am a Christ follower. And so my measure of, and my gauge on, am I on the right track is always going to go back to what does my creator, my God say about this? What does Jesus himself model? And Jesus modeled these principles in that he surrounded himself with disciples who desired to learn and grow and walk in faith. But he also exercised that discernment, knowing when to withdraw from them, who From those who did not have his best interests at heart. there's a lot of things we see Jesus do as he navigates with different people groups and he does that in effort to really fulfill his mission and to communicate truth and bring grace and truth and salvation to all of us. so I'm looking a lot at how Jesus modeled these principles. He had a lot of followers. He had a big outer circle, but he kept an inner circle, Peter, James, and John who were present for most of the intimate moments. This exercise is about rejecting people, but Aligning your relationships with the wisdom that you've been given, the wisdom that is within you. So how this exercise works is, first of all, gather. Some materials you're going to cut out or find some small slips of paper or even just a notebook and write your name on one piece of paper and then write the names of three to seven people who most emotionally influence you. These could be family or friends or colleagues or mentors now find a clear space and lay those slips of paper out on a table or counter or floor wherever you are and then you're gonna map out your trust circles So place your name at the top. This is because this is your life and then directly below place the names of those With the highest goodwill and competence, you can do this with, so you can do this with post it notes, too. That's another way that this would be easy to do and arrange the others based on how much they exhibit these qualities. So someone with low goodwill and low competence would be the farthest away. Now, trust your instincts because this is really about your reality. And then take a step back and look at what you've created and then ask yourself, am I giving too much emotional access to someone who hasn't earned that trust? Is there someone I am undervaluing who has actually shown deep loyalty and wisdom? And then how can I set better boundaries or prioritize relationships that really serve me? This is a way to practically just look at the people in your lives. And you might even detect why you're exhausted or why you're lonely or why you're angry all the time. This might tell you a lot. it might feel overwhelming too. So take breaks and there might be a lot of emotions that arise and that's okay. This is part of gaining clarity. There's a proverb that says walk with the wise and become wise for a companion of fools suffers harm. you may have heard the saying, you are the average of five people you spend the most time with. And that's not just a motivational talk. It's really backed by science. The five people that you spend the most time with will shape who you are. So we need to choose wisely. This is something that I have wrestled with over the years. And then I realized that the reason why is because I wasn't choosing that. I wasn't choosing the five people I was just leaving all of that to chance. And maybe that's something that I need to work with. And maybe I would understand relationships a little bit better if I was a little more intentional. so I want to talk a little bit about the science because that is where along with looking at, is this modeled by Christ? Do I see this in biblical wisdom as well? does it align with my worldview? I look at all of those things and then also looking at science, what is objectively been studied and what we find about the human brain? Because I've said it before, I know you've heard it, is that we can't always believe what we think. So just because we think something is true doesn't make it true. Now trust and the brain. When we trust someone, our brains release oxytocin that's the bonding hormone that fosters connection and security. So if we lack trust and clarity in relationships, our amygdala, that's the brain's fear center, is activated and triggers that stress response and that anxiety. And that's going to show up probably whether you have made the decision to trust someone or not, because in the end, if you do not trust that person, or if there is a lack of clarity, you're going to have that. your fight or flight mechanism is going to be triggered and you're going to have that stress and anxiety, even if it's somebody that you have chosen to love, maybe it's a family member that's just triggering that stress and anxiety, we have to decide what's, what to do with that and not take that on as ourself and we need to put it in the right place. Now. Two is an emotional contagion and mirror neurons. Neuroscience shows us that we subconsciously adopt the emotions, habits, and attitudes of those around us. So this is why it's so important for us, and this is where this comes from, that you will be shaped by the five people you spend the most time with. So we need to choose wisely. If you're surrounded by positive, driven, emotionally intelligent people, their energy is going to lift you. If you're around negativity, fear, or stagnation, it's going to drag you down. Now third is that. thing that science teaches us is that social influence and long term well being are very connected. There's a 32 year old Harvard study that found that close, high quality relationships are the strongest predictor of long term happiness and health. also more career success, and even wealth, even if you looked at the Netflix series, the Blue Zones, you'll see that those people are very connected with their community, they take care of one another, their homes are open, you see them interacting with their families and interacting with their communities, even going to community events and activities. The Framingham Heart Study discovered that both happiness and unhealthy habits like stress and even weight gain spread through social networks. So who you surround yourself with directly affects your life trajectory. I know that I am more productive and I am, I eat better. I'm more likely to do my workouts. I'm more likely to hold to healthy habits, even when those ones that I don't enjoy and that are really work for me when I'm around others who are doing the same thing. And when I'm around those who are cheering for me and have my best interest and want to see me win, we are going to be around people that don't know what we're doing or don't celebrate us. And that's not what I'm saying is to only put yourself around people who are celebrating. Again, you're prioritizing where you put your energy. So this isn't just about feeling good. It's about shaping who you are becoming. Now, I'm going to talk a little bit about family members because this is where I know that in my circles of midlife I, we talk a lot about family members and family drama. that probably isn't foreign to any of us, but family members often have a deep emotional imprint on our lives and they shape our beliefs and our behaviors and there's, there are expectations of trust there. And because of this, We, they typically appear in the inner circles of our trust map. However, closeness does not automatically equate trustworthiness. experts, encourage evaluating family members, just as objectively as anyone else using that goodwill and competence framework, that's going to allow you to just have the clarity for what. It is as we balance that unconditional love with healthy boundaries, because while family bonds may include the inherent sense of responsibility and love, experts caution against blind loyalty at the expense of emotional wellbeing. If a family member lacks goodwill or competence in ways that harm your personal growth, then you've got to set some boundaries. And that might mean limiting emotional vulnerability or even redefining the level of trust that you place in them. Maybe it's the time that you spend with them. You know what to do. And you just, sometimes it's just hard to do it, right? the other thing about families is that family relationships come with years of shared history. And it's for that reason that it's essential then too to separate past wounds from present realities. A parent Sibling or child who may not have been emotionally available or trustworthy in the past may have grown and changed just as we do. I will probably do this quarterly for a while until I get a handle on it and I get the clarity that I'm looking for. the next step in this whole process is to adjust your circles with honesty and growth in mind. because your trust map is not permanent. It will evolve as you do, as people show up differently, or as you set new standards for yourself, these relationships will naturally shift. This is not, again, this is not about punishing people. It's not about getting back at somebody who's hurt you by cutting them off. It's about recognizing where you stand and making choices that align with your values. some people may move closer. and others may need to be repositioned or even let go. You can't control how others behave, but you can control how much influence you allow them to have in your life. And that is an incredible power to own. If I'm honest, I'm still doing the work of really owning that I see a lot in social media, people on both sides of issues using Jesus to, and the words of scripture to justify where they stand. So I'm trying to really look at how Jesus related to people, and I see him model both love and discernment. He forgave freely, but he also set clear boundaries. He didn't allow those with ill intentions to derail his mission. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. I love the Proverbs. It gives us so much wisdom to live by. I, and I will say that there are things in there that I don't completely understand, or I think, what the heck is that there for? I get that. So maybe I'm cherry picking a little bit from the Proverbs to things that speak to me, but Above all else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it. I think we can intuitively feel that and feel the power of that. We also know that while forgiveness is a command, trust must be earned. If someone has betrayed your trust, you can forgive them while keeping healthy boundaries. We can show up. with a love that is patient and kind and does not envy and does not boast a love that isn't proud, that doesn't dishonor others and is not self seeking and is not easily anchored a love that keeps no record of wrongs, love, a love that doesn't delight in evil, but rejoices in truth, a love that always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. we can only show up with that love if we're intentional and we do the work on our own hearts. And we, guard our heart. If for me, going forward with all of this in mind, to live each day out with a default to yes mindset means that Yeah. Every morning, I'm going to get up and reflect on these questions. Who am I allowing to influence my life? Are my closest relationships helping me to become the person God calls me to be? And How can I love others while maintaining healthy boundaries to guard my heart, to seek and embrace wisdom when it comes, clarity is a powerful first step. so I'm going to give you a little challenge Each morning as you get up and breathe in and out, taking those deep breaths in and letting it out, releasing any tension, breathing in that energy, and again, supercharging it with that essential oil blend I shared, or even just choosing one of those oils. Remind yourself. I choose relationships that uplift and inspire me. I surround myself with people who reflect my values and growth. I am clear, confident, and in control of who I allow into my heart and mind. I want to be strong in my own courage and my own heart and seeking wisdom every day to be able to position myself to really be able to fulfill my purpose here and live the life I'm created for. I think you're listening to this because you feel the same way and you want to make that contribution and you want to matter. everyone desires to feel that feel love and feel alive and feel free to move about in the way that they're called to. Everyone wants that meaningful pursuit and contribution. And so this is the way that we clear the path for that. This is not easy work, I know. And for some of you it's, and for some it's easier than for others. and it has not been easy for me, and so I, I know the time and energy that this could take, but I believe that it would be worth it to really lean into this and to have that practical framework for how to sort this if this isn't If relationships are not your strength, whether you're a person who always gives people the benefit of the doubt, sees the best intentions in people, or you're somebody who questions is a little cynical and thinks that and wonders about the intentions of others. Maybe you're somebody who thinks that. you're serving everyone and no one's serving you, wherever you are with these relationships, let today be the day that you take control of your social dynamics with wisdom and love and faith and intention. So that you can stand firm in who you are and keep your trust map aligned and wake up every day to default to yes to faith, yes to wisdom, yes to the extraordinary life you were created to live. I'm cheering you on. I'd love to hear from you. I'd love to hear how this works out. If you are getting stuck on this or you need more support, please reach out. There are links in the notes below. I'd love to chat with you again. I'm cheering you on. I'm so glad you're here. I'm glad to be on this journey with you as you go out every day and default to yes, your extraordinary self.