From Shame Spiral to Self-Trust: A 4-Step Framework for Courageous Living

Have you ever shared your truth and then immediately regretted it? Had an opportunity to speak and share on stage or in a group, teach a class and immediately after you want to hide? That anxious spiral after emotional exposure is called a vulnerability hangover—and in this episode, we explore what it is, why it happens, and how to move through it with clarity, courage, and self-compassion.

We walk through a real-life scenario using the Clarity Loop—a 4-step framework that helps you move from emotional reactivity to empowered action. Along the way, we integrate neuroscience, the wisdom of Brené Brown, and powerful reflection questions to help you stop overthinking and start trusting that your intention is enough.

Whether you're navigating a career pivot, sharing your story online, or simply trying to live more authentically—this episode will ground you, guide you, and help you feel less alone.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• What a vulnerability hangover is (and why it’s a good sign)
• The neuroscience behind emotional exposure and self-doubt
• The four steps of the Clarity Loop and how to apply it
• Reflective questions to build trust in your intention
• Why showing up with love is the win—no matter what happens next

Next steps:

• Get on the list, and I'll send you the journal page to take you through the Loop
• Learn more about the Clarity Loop and coaching → coachingwithjuli.com/yescoaching

Quote to remember:

“What would it look like to fully trust that your intention was enough? To believe that showing up with love and authenticity is the win, no matter what happens next?”

✨ Ready to stop overthinking and start living aligned? Press play—and let’s get clear together.

Transcript

0:59

Welcome to another extraordinary week. I hope you're starting this week with excitement for what's ahead and a sense of joy and peace. Uh, just that you're showing up. Today we're gonna talk about a, something that came up for me this week, and as I was processing and working through it, I thought this might be a really good thing for us to talk about because it's not just'cause I'm sure it's not just me because it's been written about and talked about and I heard the term. Vulnerability hangover again this week. And so I wanna talk a little bit about that because, um, it happens to me a lot when I put myself out there that afterwards I start to feel some like that voice, That critique of my performance or how I showed up or that I showed up, why did I just, why didn't I just keep my mouth shut? All of those things. It happened a lot to me, and when I first got introduced to this concept was when I started speaking more in public and. I would get done teaching a class or speaking on a stage, and I would have this sense of just wanting to retreat, wanted to. I wanted to, well actually the feeling was I just wanna go eat ice cream, or I just wanna go have a cheeseburger and fries or just crawl in my bed. I wanna disappear. And that was when I learned about this vulnerability hangover. And vulnerability hangover is that emotional aftermath that follows an experience of de personal sharing, especially when you've exposed your authentic self, maybe your fears, your feelings, your dreams or your truths, and then you feel that raw, anxious, and maybe even regretful afterwards. It's a term that's co coined by Brene Brown, uh, vulnerability hangover. And it's that gut wrenching feeling of shame or fear after we've exposed ourselves emotionally. And it shows up in moments of like when we share a personal story on social media or in a talk, or we're speaking up in a meeting or a group when it feels risky. Maybe it's in asking for help. Admitting a mistake or a failure saying something real when you normally play it safe. Maybe it's having that difficult conversation, what it feels like. Is that overthinking? Did I say too much? Or regret? Why did I even bring that up? Why didn't I just stay quiet? Shame or embarrassment? What? Are they thinking of me right now? And then that emotional exhaustion, which is that desire to hide. It's not a sign that you did something wrong. It's often a sign that you did something brave or important. You took a risk that mattered. Now why it happens? All has to do with the way our brains process some of these things. Our amygdala, the Brain's Threat Center perceives that emotional exposure as risky, triggering that stress response vulnerability activates uncertainty and potential social judgment, which your brain interprets as danger, your prefrontal cortex. Then the rational part of your brain may not kick in until later, and then your thoughts are just allowed to spiral for. However long you let them go. It's that mix of emotional exposure and delayed reassurance that leads to what we're referring to or what Brene Brown, brown refers to as the hangover feeling. So more importantly, so this is something that is real, and if it's happened to you, then I just want to say, welcome to the club. If you're putting yourself out there, this is gonna happen. So. It makes the next question, what holds us back from being our authentic self? Kind of obvious, It can be very uncomfortable, and so you've likely felt that before. First, you have that rush of courage right before you share something real or you teach a class or you step on stage. You hit set, you hit submit, on an email or you submit a project or you a social media post. Even it's a story, it's a truth, it's a part of your heart. And then later. The crash, that's when the overthinking and the anxiety and that desire to crawl back into your shell and pretend like it never happened again. That's what Brene Brown calls the vulnerability hangover, the gut wrenching feeling of shame or fear after we've exposed ourselves emotionally. Now the hangover isn't actually the problem, although it feels like it is. It feels like that's the problem. That's the thing I wanna avoid. And the only way to avoid that is to shut down, to not share yourself, to not put yourself out there, but actually the hangover isn't the problem. It's actually the evidence that you did something brave. Now, the real obstacle is what happens before and after these moments when fear of judgment and shame or perfectionism convince us to play small. I've bend in this loop over and over and over again and. Had to develop a little ritual for myself for after I knew. So sometimes those, those moments aren't planned, but sometimes they are regardless. Having something at the ready, a strategy or a ritual that you can implement right away knowing that you're going to, that you're possibly going to feel these feels this can help us then bravely. Embrace the whole experience of it all. So let's what hold. Look at what holds us back and how to move forward with clarity, courage, and self-trust. So the reasons we hold ourselves back is first, we don't hide because we're weak, we hold back because our brain is wired to protect us. Authenticity feels risky. And to your nervous system, risk often equals danger. So isn't it makes sense that it's easier to just. Stay silent. Hold those things that are important to you, to yourself. Maybe nobody would care anyway. Maybe the risk isn't really worth it and it's certainly not worth the discomfort that I might bring on to myself. And then here's what shows up. Under the surface, it's really that fear of rejection. What if they don't like the real me? What if they don't agree with me? What if they, what if I say something and it's actually not correct? What if I am only partially correct because my perspective is off? There's all sorts of things that we tell ourselves, the reasons why we would hold back, why we would disengage, why we would not say or share the things that are important to us. And that's where perfectionism comes into. I can't share this until it's polished or proven, and then there's shame. Who am I to speak up? Alright, so then, oh, unprocessed. Past experiences are another thing. Those moments where being real wasn't actually safe and you did pay a consequence that that maybe was undeserved or was very costly. So there are things that are, and those are real. Those are things that we really need to acknowledge and work through our brain's amygdala, that part that scans for threats doesn't know the difference between vul being vulnerable and being unsafe, so it fires off those warning signals when we risk being seen. Even when we're in safe spaces, and if we don't intervene, those signals keep us stuck in silence and self-protection. I told you, I read my myself through, I don't know, a ritual, a protocol, whatever you wanna call it, but I it, I call it the clarity loop. And that's when you can really navigate the moment it starts there. So let's walk through a common scenario using the clarity loop. Um. And if this is maybe a framework that you can use to move from reactivity to clarity. Okay. So the scenario is that you speak up in a meeting and share an idea that you've been holding back and then later that night. And honestly, it does. It usually hits as soon as I leave the meeting for me, but I doesn't usually take that long for the spiral to start for me. Did I talk too much? Is usually the first. I shouldn't have opened my mouth. What if they thought I was being, I was trying too hard. What if they, maybe I should have just stayed quiet. Nobody needs that. Maybe, I don't know. How good is it anyway that I would speak up and caused tension? I felt the tension in the room. Oh. I should have just keep, I should just keep my mouth shut now instead of letting that spiral take over, we can pause and walk ourselves through the four steps of this clarity loop. First of all, notice what happened. What triggered the emotion? I shared something that mattered to me, and now I feel exposed and anxious. Now I've put it out there how I feel and what I think, and maybe they'll disagree with me and it will lead to nothing. Maybe I'm embarrassed because now they, nobody agreed with me and I, or I feel alone, or I feel threatened because maybe I said something a little controversial. Okay, so there's just noticing it, naming it, and this is where having the vulnerability hangover as a. Term and a name for what the experience is that you're navigating is really helpful. So first of all, notice this is what happened. Facts are this happened, narrating it. What story am I telling myself? They probably think I'm annoying or unqualified. I shouldn't have said anything. It's easier if everybody just stays quiet. Okay, so pause and breathe and ask yourself. Is that true or is that just a fear-based narrative? In many cases, we don't know what the other people in the room were thinking. We don't know what's going to happen next, and honestly, nobody's coming after us for that. And then ask. What, so what? What if somebody did disagree with you? So what if you say something that's important and you put yourself out there and nothing happens, nothing changes, nobody listens. Were you worse? Are you worse off than you were before? We can really ask ourselves some good questions and just like I said. Notice and narrate what story, what happened, what triggered the emotion, and what story am I telling myself? And then nurture, what do I need emotionally right now? I need reassurance that I'm still safe, that's for sure. And that it's okay to be seen and that I was speaking from a place of good intention. And if that is the truth, if you can really bring yourself to that place to say, I came at this with a but a good intention and I was brave, you showed up with heart. That needs to be enough, and that's really hard for me to come by that self-compassion that says if I spoke up with good intention, even if I'm wrong, even if I was, uh, even if I'm not listened to, if nothing changes, no one listens. Even if people disagree with me, I still showed up with heart and that is always enough. All right, then you can move on to navigate what's a new belief or action that supports growth? You ask yourself in that situation, what would it look like to fully trust your intention was enough? That is a hard question to answer, to believe that showing up with love and authenticity is the win. No matter what happens next, my coach has gone over this with me over and over and over again. I have it in my phone now written on my screen so that I can see it. I wake up every day and I say this to me, uh, I say this to myself that. Showing up with love and authenticity is the win no matter what happens next. Then gently remind yourself that you did not speak to impress, you spoke to express and that matters. So what? Bring yourself back to your truth. Now, there's a science of authenticity, a research from self-determination theory that tells us that we thrive. When three core needs are met, and this might be part of noticing, First of all, autonomy, being true to ourselves, and then competence, feeling effective and capable, and relatedness, feeling connected to others. So when we live. Inauthentically to meet others' expectations. And maybe that's, uh, just let's let the meeting go smoothly. Let's keep the peace. Let's not speak up to meet all of those expectations, whether they're real or not. cause sometimes we don't know we fracture those needs and our mental and physical health can suffer as a result. Authentic expression isn't indulgent. It's necessary for wholeness. Brene Brown again said this, vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. And that's what most of us are truly craving. Not more productivity, but more presence, connection and meaning. So how do we take hold of this? This thought and this story and live more authentically. I'm gonna give you five practices that can support this shift. First of all, practicing emotional fluency, being able to name what you're feeling and then ask what's the need beneath this feeling that allows us to, to really notice and notice and not judge, And then second to interrupt the shame spiral. When you are feeling that vulnerability hangover, pause, name it, normalize it, then nurture yourself through it, and then anchor. Anchor to your values. Let your why be your compass. Not everyone's going to approve, but not everyone is your people. You're not answering to everyone. You just have to get up and do the next right. Take that next right step of integrity and to stay true to yourself. And it's not disregarding others. It's thoughtfully and intentionally showing up with authenticity, without intention to make the world a better place because you're in it. And I, and we do that by being brave Another important element of this is to regulate your nervous system. Breath work, essential oils, movement, and mindful rituals. those are my power tools, to help the body stay safe enough to stay open and I use them. Interchangeably. I use them together. I design rituals and I do all of those things to help regulate my nervous system. I teach this to my coaching clients and I, I love watching people really take hold of this. This has been my mission is to bring all of the tools and then you pick up the tools that you find most helpful in the moment, and really to be able to do this with greater ease. The other thing is to just be able to ask yourself some powerful questions. What would it look like to fully trust? My intention is enough. What does courage look like today? What story am I telling and what's the deeper truth? The truth is, is that your authenticity is a gift, and you don't have to prove your worth to be seen. You don't have to get it perfect to be loved, and you don't have to overexplain to be understood. Your job is not to manage how people receive your truth. Your job is to show up grounded and curious and open-hearted and keep walking in alignment even if your voice shakes. Even if your heart pounds, even if you feel a vulnerability hangover the next day or the next five minutes, because you're not here to be invisible. You are here to live fully, freely, and authentically, and the more you trust your intention is enough. The more your life begins to feel like your own. So remind yourself today that courage feels uncomfortable, but it is how we grow. It is how we get to live the life that we love. Practice self-compassion. Talk to yourself in the way that you would a friend, and then anchor in your why. Why did you share and what matters most? Connect with safe people. Let someone who gets you, who gets it remind you that you're not alone. This is really important in who you choose because you need to get, have somebody who gets it. Choose somebody else that you know as somebody who speaks up and who is unafraid to put themselves out there. Because I guarantee you that they will support, even support you even if you step out and make a fool of yourself. So that's better than stay. I think that's even better than staying quiet because at least we can learn from that rest and regulate, No matter what tools that you choose, choose some tools. These will help you move through all of this process of, of noticing and nurturing and navigating. bringing clarity to the way you show up in the world, training your brain to cooperate with you in the way that you really want to, these tools will help that be easier and over time will condition you'll get conditioned to be able to do, to move through these things quickly. You're not gonna be able to avoid the the vulnerability hangover. Yeah. Most people cannot avoid that, that vulnerability hangover to some degree. But we, but we can have some tools and we can have that little cocktail, if you will, to be able to manage it effectively, make it past quickly, and to learn from it. So breath work, aromatherapy movement, nature, help your nervous system recalibrate. If you're experiencing a vulnerability hangover, it likely means that you are living a wholehearted life. Choosing connection over comfort, truth over performance, and growth over playing small. You're not broken. You're being brave. Today is the day to celebrate that. Remember that vulnerability is a birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. And don't you want more of that as you go out every day and default to yes, your extraordinary self.