How You Get What You Want: Aligning with Your Authentic Self

Do you really know what you want—or are you chasing what others expect from you? In this episode of Default to Yes, Juli Reynolds explores the power of clarity: what experts say, what neuroscience reveals, and how a Christian worldview reframes desire as a God-given guide to meaning and purpose.

Here’s what you’ll discover:

• Why clarity is the foundation of confidence, courage, and contentment
• How your brain’s reticular activating system filters opportunities once you define what you want
• The difference between chasing dopamine hits vs. living in alignment with self-concordant goals
• How Scripture shows us that desire isn’t selfish, but sacred when aligned with God’s design
• Three practical steps to uncover what you really want

Whether you’re in a season of reinvention, facing midlife questions, or simply ready to stop drifting, this episode will help you pause, reflect, and step boldly toward the life you were created for.

✨ Download the Clarity Workbook or join the next Clarity Workshop to put this into practice. The link is in the show notes—your next chapter starts here.

Transcript

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Welcome to an extra, another Extraordinary week. What is it they say about September? September is a new January. Well, I'm excited that you're here with me for this journey and I'm so honored to that you're tune in and that you're listening. I hope that you will leave me a review. That would mean the world to me. I'd love to hear from you and hear what's going on with you, what your thoughts are, what your questions are. Uh, just gimme some feedback. I'd love to hear from you. Share this podcast with a friend so that you can have these conversations together as well. my heart in all of this is to create a community of like-minded individuals, people just like you, who want to get up every day and default to your extraordinary self. Today we're diving into a question that shapes every choice, every dream and every part of your story, and that is, do you know what you really want? This comes up in a lot of conversations in coaching. It's usually why people would come to me, why anybody would schedule a coaching conversation in the first place is because you're really. Trying to hone in on what you want and how to get that done. And sometimes you know exactly what you want or you think you do and just putting the plan in place, but sometimes it's, you've been working a plan and you're starting to lose track of what it is you really want. So many of us get caught in cycles of achievement and busyness or comparison. We're chasing what we. Think we should want status, approval, comfort, stability. Without pausing to ask if those desires are truly ours or just inherited scripts. Something that you set out to do that you've just always done, and you're just gonna keep doing it whether you want to or not. But the truth is, is that until you know what you really want, you can't live with clarity and confidence and commitment, and even if you're settled. In your circumstance, you still want those things. You still want to get up every day and feel confident and content in what you're doing and that contentment only sticks around if you're also making the contribution that you are meant to. I think that we all have that desire to make a contribution, to feel confident and content and clear on what we, what our purpose is, what we're doing with our lives, that we make a difference That what we do matters. That our relationships are strong and they're growing, that we can love fully and openly, and that we can live authentically. Now, today we're gonna explore what experts say, what neuroscience reveals, and because I live out of a Christian worldview, we're gonna look at how that reframes desire in a way that brings peace and purpose. Now, first, let's talk about what experts say. Coaches, psychologists, leadership experts. A lot of times we'll emphasize the same theme. Clarity is power. Brenda Burchard in High Performance Habits, that's a book that I have read multiple times. I've had book clubs around it. We have had coaching conversations around it that in his book he notes That high performers consistently know who they are, what they want, and how they want to serve. And that clarity becomes the foundation of focus and courage. And Tony Robbins has said that clarity is power, and the more clear you are about what you want, the more likely you are to achieve it. And that seems kind of like a no-brainer when you hear it right But psychologists echo this without a defined goal. Our brains default to distraction and survival mode. This is where we get stuck in what researchers call decision fatigue and constantly making small choices without ever really moving toward the bigger vision. but when you get crystal clear on what matters most, every decision, every habit, every risk starts aligning with that deeper. Yes. Now let's talk brain science. Neuroscience shows us that the brain is a prediction machine and it thrives on patterns and rewards. When we aren't clear about what we want, the brain defaults to chasing novelty, dopamine hits, and short term relief. This looks like scrolling, snacking, shopping, numbing, doing all of the things that maybe. They're not necessarily things that are bad for us. Maybe they're things that we, that even bring us joy. There is a place in our lives for all of those things. I'm not arguing that. I don't wanna take that away from you. So those short term relief, those short term hits of dopamine that we get from all of those things are, of course we're still gonna do that, but it's when we do them at the expense of the bigger thing. But those are the easy things. Those are the things that we know. Give us that feeling that we really want. and that's when we need to ask some more questions. What is it that I really want? Am I, is my bigger thing getting me closer to what I really want? So those things all give us clues, right? So. we're not gonna live our lives free from all of those things and I'm not even saying they're bad things. I'm just saying that when we, we aren't clear with what we want, that we tend to default to chasing those dopamine hits. The short term relief, the instant gratification novelty. This is a lot of times, I think, for nurses, this is when we take courses get another credential or certification. But here's the fascinating part. When you articulate a specific desire, your brain literally rewires itself to notice opportunities. This is the reticular activating system or the RAS. It filters billions and bits of information down to what's most relevant. Think of it like buying a red car, or in my case, a white SUV and suddenly seeing white SUVs. Everywhere. I was even amazed that until I got my white SUV, I didn't realize that how many my coworkers drove white SUVs. The parking lot is full of them and I didn't even recognize it until I got mine. And then the brain, my brain. Opened up the possibilities to seeing all of these white SUVs. If you never clarify what you want, your brain can't filter for it. But once you decide whether it's launching a business, restoring your health, or deepening your faith, your brain gets to work, aligning your attention, your motivation, and even your emotional resilience around that vision. We begin to see solutions to problems that we couldn't solve before because we weren't clear on what we wanted, what we really wanted the end goal to be. And so we get, we get into that confusion. and then there's another layer Research on self concordant goals. Those aligned with your values and identity shows they create more lasting motivation, less burnout and greater wellbeing. In other words, that when you, what you want lines up with who you are, you thrive. you probably wouldn't be listening to this if you hadn't ever felt that and didn't ever get glimpses of what it looks, what it feels like to thrive. You know, that, that it's possible and you wanna keep going. Maybe you feel stuck, maybe you are looking for more clarity and for the, for the next level. Maybe you're looking for clarity for the first time. You do that by lining up what those goals, lining up the things that you work on with who you really want to be and where those core values. All right, now we're going to shift a little bit and talk about the Christian worldview of desire, some of this has gotten in my way with, when we bring in a faith perspective, some of us grew up hearing that desire is dangerous, especially if you're a woman. You are taught. You were given some ideas about where our place in society is, what our role is, what the expectations are, but scripture paints a very different picture as of sometimes what we come away with. Psalm 37, 4 says, delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Notice the order delight first, then desire. When your heart is aligned with God's presence, you, your wants are purified and strengthened. And I used to think that means that I would want what God wants, and then what God wants is what these expectations are, just because I didn't want all the. I didn't want this order of things. I didn't wanna take a back seat. I didn't wanna play small. But eventually, as I grew, I would begin to value that. I would begin to want less I would desire less. That is not what happened. and that has been a source of, wrestling for me. When you're, but when your heart is aligned with God's presence, your wants are purified and strengthened. Augustine called this the ordered desire, not eliminating desire, but directing it towards what truly satisfies when I learned my strengths. For example, why my top strength is significance. Now, let me read to you what Strength finders defines a significance. People with strong significance talents are at their best when they're challenging others to aim higher than they thought possible. People that have this, they are, they are independent. They prioritize projects based on how much influence they will have on their organizations and people around them. It, it told me that I wanted to be very significant in the eyes of other people and in the truest sense of the word to be recognized and be heard, and to stand out and to want to be known and in particular. Wanting to be known and appreciated for the unique strengths that I bring. Now, none of that sounded like the humility that I read about or that I learned about growing up in the church and, and how that meant, and what did it mean to play small and to be the servant and to to serve and put others first. Well, as I spend time, more time with God, I can begin to appreciate that. This is how he has wired me up, that feeling, that need, that independent spirit that I have, that I want my work to be a way of life rather than a job and in a way that I want to be given free reign and the leeway to do things my way. To fill my life with goals and achievements and qualifications that I crave. And that is something that I had to just come to terms with. This is how God has made me. Now what do I do with it? And Jesus himself often asked people, what do you want me to do for you? And not because he didn't know, but because naming the desire is part of the transformation. The blind man said, I want to see. He had to articulate it. Desire brings us face to face with both our needs and our hope, and so operating according to how I'm wired up is a need. So my hope is that God can use that to be in a significant way, to make a significant impact, to make a difference, to live fully and to love openly, and to be courageous and clear about my mission, to inspire others to do the same. I hope that my words come across to you in a way that is. Inspires you to take hold of how you are wired and what you bring to the world, what you really want, and to see that as a calling and to pursue it with courage and curiosity, with clarity and confidence in a Christian worldview, knowing that what you really want isn't about selfish ambition. It's about uncovering the God-given longing that is planted in you from the very beginning, longings for love and purpose and creativity. And impact or significance. These are not dis, these aren't distractions from holiness. They're pathways to it. And that has taken me a really long time to take hold of. And I had mentors early on that I think lived this out in front of me and encouraged me to really take that path. To acknowledge that these aren't distractions from holiness, they are pathways to it. And that if I will honor what God has called me to and how God has wired me up, he will lead me to live the life that I'm created for. Now, how do we put this all into practice? What does this mean to you? And maybe you aren't a believer and you don't have a Christian worldview. I'm sure that this applies in some way. Anyway, so how do you discover what you really want? Well, I'm gonna suggest three practices. First, pausing for honest reflection. Ask yourself that if no one judged you, if failure weren't an option, what would I want if no one judged me? And if failure weren't an option, what would I want? This is a hard question to answer if you're stuck in your head about this or you're keeping it to yourself. So make sure you break out your journal or share this out loud with a friend or a coach, or get someplace where you can externally process this, because sometimes the things that we say in answer to this question are very revealing. Listen to your body and brain. So after you ask that question, go to work. Paying attention to when you feel most alive. Neuroscience tells us that joy and engagement are signals of alignment. What are they showing you? What are they teaching you? Then pray and discern. So maybe this is the time to just carve out some time for mindful reflection or meditation to pray and to really discern what it is that's at work in your life right now. Invite God into the conversation instead of asking, what should I want? Ask, what desires have you planted in me that I've been ignoring? For most of us, there is something there that has always been there. You could even go back to when you were a child or when you were first starting to ask the question, answer the questions honestly, about what you wanted to be when you grew up, what you wanted your life to look like. There are some stories there that along the way, some circumstances may have derailed, that may have caused you to suppress that or decide for some reason that that wasn't for you, but it never really left you. Ask yourself some questions about that. Put it in your journal. Say it out loud to a friend. The big takeaway is that clarity isn't optional. It's transformational. Experts confirm it. Neuroscience explains it, and faith affirms it. You are created for more than drifting through shoulds. We were created for a life that is aligned and vibrant and deeply meaningful. This all looks very different for everyone. We all have different measures of success. We have different experiences, different context, and it's all good. It's all lovely And it all matters. So Maybe it's investing in your health or your family or a relationship, friendships. Maybe it is your career or a business or it's an experience that you've always wanted to have. These are things that matter. They're planted in our souls and. That we need to, we get to pursue and we get to go on this journey. Uh, just really exploring the life that we were given to live. This is why I created the Clarity Guide and the workbook and the workshop because I started with a clarity exercise, that I could take, a mindfulness exercise that I could go. Take myself through and to really be able to ask myself some questions. And then I told you, I read the, I read the High Performance Habits and Brendan has a whole chapter on clarity and that was really helpful in just really, uh. Um, getting a even a little more clear about that process and how I would explore the questions I needed to ask myself or answer for myself. And once I started doing that on a regular basis, I thought it'd be helpful to share. So I put it into a guide, into a workshop, and into, kind of a, the guide is a workbook, if you join me there, you'll learn the same reflective exercises, neuroscience backed prompts, and even prayer practices that will help you uncover what you really want. Think of that you can think of it as your roadmap from confusion to clarity. And so here's your invitation. Don't just listen to this and think about it as you're driving or as you're walking. Really take action on this. Head to the link in the show notes and sign up for a clarity workshop. And if you don't have time to get on Zoom and go through the workshop, download the workbook, you'll get that in an email as well. From me and we will go on this journey together because the life you long for isn't out there somewhere. It begins the moment that you decide to know what you really want as you get up every day to default to, yes, your extraordinary self.