Part 5: Default to YES! Who Are You Becoming?

In episode five of six, we explore identity, values, and the foundation of an aligned life, building on earlier episodes about the nervous system, thoughts, body, and sensory environment without encouraging overwhelm or “working harder.” Why identity creates lasting change more than goals, citing behavioral science and neuroscience: repeated thoughts, emotions, and actions reinforce neural pathways, but neuroplasticity allows new patterns through consistent repetition. Values are described as an internal compass—guiding principles like integrity, connection, growth, faith, courage, and contribution—that simplify decision-making and reduce exhaustion caused by living out of alignment or meeting others’ expectations. The episode emphasizes shifting from external expectation to internal authorship, references Romans 12:2 and 2 Corinthians on identity renewal, and offers practical prompts: “Who do I want to be?”, “What values does that person live by?”, and “What one small action today reflects that identity?”

01:32 Identity Over Goals

03:01 Neuroscience Of Change

04:07 Clarifying Your Values

If you would like to visit or re-visit the clarification of values: https://coachingwithjuli.com/wholelifeaudit

07:18 Expectation To Authorship

09:52 Faith And New Creation

10:58 Practical Identity Actions

12:06 Journal Prompts And Resources

13:47 Live Aligned Closing

Transcript

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Welcome to episode five of six of this extraordinary season that we're in. We're gonna talk about who you are becoming. A little bit about values, identity, and the foundation of an aligned life. So far in this series, we've talked about your nervous system, your thoughts, your body, and your sensory environment. I hope that you found at least one thing that you can incorporate that is that you're already maybe noticing the difference. Now, if you're listening to all of these at once, you, maybe you're just taking notes and you're putting together a plan, don't overwhelm yourself. This is not about working harder, it's not about discipline. It's not about all of those things. It's about becoming who you want to become. So now we can become with all of these things and the amazing questions that we're asking ourselves every day. Remember that journal page that I've encouraged you to create, or maybe you're putting it in your phone. It doesn't matter how you're doing it. Just make sure that you experiment with these questions and see how they show up for you. We can, with all of this in mind, we can come to something even deeper and that's your identity. 'cause at some point, growth is no longer about adding more tools. It's about answering one question, who am I becoming? And so maybe you need to start here. Maybe you need to have this exercise first. if you're. Struggling at all with, when I say who you're becoming or showing up in the world the way you really want to, if you're not really sure what that looks like, then this is the episode for you. So why identity matters more than goals is that Most people are taught to focus on goals. What do you want to achieve? What do you wanna change? What do you wanna accomplish? But research and psychology shows us something more important. Goals don't create lasting change. Identity does. This has been researched in leadership journals and leadership books is that we can see the characteristics of a leader, the characteristics of people who lead these kind of lives, the characteristics of people who make a difference and are experiencing a level of joy. There are characteristics there. And we're gonna talk a little bit about that. Behavioral science tells us that people tend to act in alignment with the identity they believe about themselves. So if you believe I'm someone who follows through, I'm someone who takes care of my health, I'm someone who lives with intention, you begin to act accordingly. But if your identity, your internal identity says, I'm inconsistent, I always fall off track. I'm just overwhelmed. Well, your behaviors will follow that too. You probably have experience with both and can see that that is true in your own life. I have yet really to meet an individual who, if they're honest, can't say they've experienced both of those things and know that to be true, but your brain is constantly building and reinforcing patterns so. If we tap into the neuroscience of identity, we can make some real impact here. Every time you think a thought, feel an emotion, or take an action, you strengthen neural pathways, and over time these patterns become your default way of being When I say default to yes, your extraordinary self, I'm calling us to summon the best of ourselves to tap into the best version, to do the things that we know we wanna do and be about what we wanna be about. This is why identity feels so stable, even when you wanna change it because your brain has practiced it. So even the things that are, we call 'em bad habits. Those are become ingrained. Your brain has practiced it. It can happen on autopilot. It calls for it because it thinks it's important to you. The hopeful truth is that through neuroplasticity, those patterns can change. Now, they don't change overnight, but through consistent repetition of new thoughts, new behaviors, and new experiences, this can happen. So let's talk about values a little bit. This is your internal compass, and this is really important because you need to know, or your brain needs to know what is important to you. So if identity answers the question, who am I becoming values, answer the question, what matters most to me, values are not goals. They are not outcomes. They are guiding principles. Examples of, values might be integrity, connection, growth, faith, courage, contribution. When you're clear on your values, decision making becomes simpler. We can ask ourselves, is this invitation? Is this job change? Is this action? Is this decision aligned with what is most important to me? Integrity, connection, growth, courage, faith, because instead of reacting to circumstances, you respond based on alignment. Now many people feel tired, not because they're doing too much, it's because they're doing things that are out of alignment with their values. This is a conversation that comes up a lot in coaching too, because when we're making decisions, it can get really hard. what we can always come back to is, is this decision aligned with your value? A lot of times it's because of, a perceived or a real expectation of others and maybe that is out of alignment. So it becomes really exhausting. I am reading a book right now called Theo of Golden, and there is a character in here who is, an accomplished CPA. she worked really hard to get where she is, but she's miserable. She's exhausted, she does her job really well, and she's living a good life. But she's exhausted by it. The only reason she's in a CPA is because of expectations of professionalism, and she worked this hard, so should she give it up? It's her father's expectation of her and that he will be disappointed if she does something else. So it's not that she's doing too much, it's not that she's not doing well. She's doing very well. She's very successful. She's very loved. She's in a good marriage Her circumstance seems really good on the outside, but she's exhausted because she's doing things out of alignment with her own values sometimes saying yes, when you mean no, when you're pursuing goals that actually don't really matter to you and living according to expectations instead of conviction, I think this is why my job has become so exhausting when I unpack it practically. My schedule is good. I like the people I work with, my work. I'm good at it. I have a level of expertise that makes it very comfortable and makes me very competent. I like my patients. I am paid. Fairly. So there isn't anything wrong with my job except for that it's out of alignment with a lot of my values. so it becomes exhausting and this creates that internal tension, and over time that tension becomes fatigue. Now the shift from expectation to authorship is where we're going with this. So developmental psychologists describe midlife as a stage where people often move from external expectations to internal authorship. Now I work with younger people as well, and when they ask me maybe what a piece of advice is that I would give, it's usually around this is to really examine those external expectations and make sure that authorship Is internal. And I would say that this in, to young couples, beginning their relationships or beginning their families, it's that they're really aware of those expectations and that they have those agreements and, and know what they want. I grew up probably. Really close to a generation who just kept everything inside. I didn't hear a lot from my parents about what they were going through or how they felt about things. It was more about duty and responsibility. It felt like, doing the responsible thing, doing the compliant thing was more important for a happy life. And I'm not sure that that was really true, but it is how I grew up. I've had a hard time as I enter into midlife knowing what I really want and then I think I did a lot of that in the church and even in my marriage, is doing too much of what is expected of me instead of what is the internal driver so for years, life is shaped then by what we should do, what's expected of us, what others need from us, but eventually a different question starts to emerge, and that's what life am I actually called to live, and I will be honest with you that this step back from the podcast, this series might move forward, has come out of that question. That I'm finally going to just give that question a little more room to breathe and a little more space to see, to make sure that I'm not missing something. I sense that there's something deeper, and I wanna find out what that is. This is where identity and values begin to matter more than achievement. So I could keep going with the podcast. I could keep going until I get to 500 episodes, or. a number of downloads, a certain level of income, or I could go keep going and meet those goals. But again, it comes back to where identity and values matter more than achievement. Now scripture also speaks deeply to identity, not as something that we create alone, but something we discover and we live into. Romans 12, two, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Transformation isn't just a behavior change, it's an identity renewal. And another powerful reminder is in Second Corinthians, it says, you are a new creation. I want to wake to the new mercies every day. I want to experience all of that. And this speaks to possibility that who you have been does not define who you become. And it's never too late and you're not behind. Maybe what you are experiencing or what you have experienced is the assignment that you were given. And you are just now coming into that, into knowing what to do with that. Maybe you've experienced unimaginable tragedy and pain and hardship. Maybe that was your assignment and now you get to use that assignment to define who you want to become, who you do become. So let's make this really practical. Instead of asking, what do I need to do? Start asking, what do I want to be? Yeah, that's an interesting question to start the day with. Who do I want to be? It takes the emphasis off of what I will do, how I will handle circumstances, what I will say, what I will wear, and it creates the, all those decisions become, and how do I want to show up in the world? take one small action that aligns with that identity. For example, if you wanna become someone who is calm and grounded. Take an intentional breath before responding. If you wanna become someone who is aligned, pause before you say yes to something. You can even ask for that pause. You can say, Hey, can I take a minute, or Can I take a day? Or Can I get back to you about that? So that you can hit the pause button before you say yes. And if you wanna become someone who lives with purpose. Spend five minutes reflecting on what matters most to you. Those small actions repeated consistently. That's how we have the identity shifts. Now I'm gonna give you some more questions to add to your journal page. Hopefully you are creating that or a note page on your phone. Maybe. I like to put the questions in my alarms so that, throughout the day, maybe a significant question that I want to be, keep front of mind comes up for me, and then I ask that question. Whatever you do with it, take a moment to write it down. The kind of person I want to become is and then ask, what values does that person live by? And what is one small action I can take today that reflects that identity? Now, if you're a little lost in what your values are, then it's time to back up and clarify those values. I do have a worksheet that can help you with that, a little guide that will help you identify or clarify those values. I'll put the link in the notes below. if you're on the email list, I will give you a link to, access that as well in the email. because when your life is aligned with your values and your identity, things begin to feel different. Not perfect, but. Clearer you experience less internal conflict, more intentional decisions and greater consistency. And even if that doesn't happen in the moment, you have someplace to go back to, you can always access what are my values? You can back up to a process and a, kinda a standard operating procedure, if you will, you can come back to, what you wanna journal on. How is this consistent? because you're no longer trying to become someone else. You are becoming more fully yourself. Now, today, I want you to sit with this. Am I living in alignment with what matters most to me? What would it look like to become more fully who I was created to be? I love those questions, and if you're on the email list, you're gonna get these questions. Hit reply and let me know what's coming up for you, because I'd love to hear your story too. This is deeper work. because it's not just about changing habits. we like to focus on habits. We might even sporadically work on a habit and then let it go, and we might go through a lot of cycles of that. But this is not just changing habits, but it's shaping identity, it's clarifying values, living with intention. So tomorrow morning, or even when you're done listening here, take a breath. Remember who you are becoming. Choose one aligned action, and then move throughout your day to default to yes, your extraordinary self.